Connor James Jamerson

This is a little late, seeing as how I just started my blog a few days ago. I had written something previously on my livejournal account, but now it's time to say what's needed to say here. Tuesday morning we received a frantic and distraught call from Johnny, my brother-in-law. His first born, Connor James, had past after a long night of fighting for his life. As soon as Jeff found out, while he was at work, he rushed home to pick me up and we rushed as fast as we could to the hospital. The image that is forever burned in our brains, that we just can't seem to push back from the surface, is seeing Johnny cradling his son and crying. We knew then that it was real, that there hadn't been a mistake, that Connor had passed.

I looked at the faces of my entire extended family Stacey and Johnny, Mom and Dad, Chris and Matt, and knew that they felt has torn as I was. I'm not very close to them, my own issues hindering my ability to open up to any of them, so I had to fight back every urge I had in my body to just hug them as tight as I could. There aren't enough words in my vocabulary to explain the urge I felt to comfort all of them. I was never more sad and glad at the same time to be able to hold Connor, to look at his wrinkly skin and tiny mouth.

I had all these plans to spoil these kids rotten. Since I found out Stacey was pregnant, I've done nothing but buy clothes and bath time hooded towels. I wanted to do everything I could, I wanted to be the best aunt ever. So when Connor died, I suddenly forgot about little Colby laying in the incubator behind the gathered family. I thought all hope was lost. When the time for us to go, to let the nurses take him, I held him one last time. I kissed his Stacey on the forehead [that being as natural as if she were my flesh and blood sister] and kissed Connor's little head good-bye.

I fought to try not to let my mind wander as I listened to Johnny try to explain to us how he wanted to do the funeral. To listen to the events leading up to Connor's passing. I cried more in one day than I had since Robin passed. Yet again, I fought the urge to console him and put on the bravest smile I could. We tried to stay distracted until it was finally time for all of us to leave and go home. We even told a few jokes and had a few laughs. But the day was full of sorrow, and none of us would ever forget.

I went to work on Tuesday, and didn't smile once. I tried to stay busy but my mind would wander and I'd be caught crying in the middle of ringing someone out. Even the customers seemed to sense my depression and didn't attempt to have a conversation with me. Things got better when I had good news. Colby was doing exceedingly well. Over the next few days, with work distracting me, and more good news about Colby, I didn't dwell long on the impending funeral that was fast approaching.

Saturday morning came and the house was quiet despite the fact that it was full of people hurrying to get ready. Nothing like 3 females, with one shower, trying to get ready for a funeral. Watch Out Everybody!

We drove to Boston, got lost, and arrived at the funeral with almost valet style parking. We went in, and sat in the front row as people filed in paying their respects. After I was hugged by one of Johnny's aunts, I tried to avoid hugging altogether. Like I said I have issues with certain things.

I am one of the most observant people I know. I watch everyone, I watch their reactions, how they act, the way the move. It's always just something I took note of. So the day of the funeral was especially hard. Watching Johnny and Stacey try to be as brave as they possibly could, knowing very well that all they wanted to do was probably crawl into a hole and cried until there wasn't anything left.

When it came time to say a few words, the priest [or pastor or preacher I'm not sure which he was] said a few prayers for Connor and for Colby. Johnny got up and gave Stacey's words. They were an account of her need and desire to be a Mom, from when she used to take care of Matt until the Twins were born. Connor had given her the best gift any of us could ever give her, he let her be who she always wanted to be, a Mom.

Then came Johnny's poem he found. It was amazing, and it made me cry. Not that the entire day wasn't enough to make me cry, but this poem just hit me.

My Mom and Dad Are Survivors

My Mom and Dad are Survivors,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear them crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch them lay awake at night
and go to hold their hands.
They don't know I'm with them
to help them understand.


But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my Mom and Dad
who think of me each day.

They wear a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from their eyes.

My Mom and Dad try to
cope with death;
To keep my memory Alive.
But anyone who knows them
knows it is their way to survive.

As I watch over my Mom and Dad
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell them that Angels
protect me forevermore!
I know that doesn't help them,
or ease the burden they bear.

So, if you get a chance, go visit them.
Show them that you care.
For no matter what they say...
no matter what they feel...
My Mom and Dad have a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

The worst part was having to hear about Colby's 'text messages' to Dad. How scared he was, not understanding why they were swarming around his brother Connor. I cried so hard, I couldn't even manage to look up from my hands. It was the hardest thing to hear. When all was said and done, we said our final good-byes to Connor. Told him how much we loved him and left.

We went to visit Colby who's doing well. He had his CPap machine on instead of being intabated. They had taken away the blue light that helped with his Jaundice, so now he was just a tiny baby in an incubator. We got a picture of him on our cell phones, and used them as backgrounds on all of our phones. Some of us fell asleep as we waited for everyone to go in pairs to visit Colby. It wasn't until Johnny's brother Danny and their parents moved to leave that I realized how much I've hugged everyone in this family. We definitely turned into a group of huggers.

We ended the night with a dinner at Olive Garden, then a long trip home. We didn't get home till midnight, which made it an extra long night for everyone involved. I didn't hit the hay till almost two a.m. It was the first time I was able to write anything, and I wanted to really harness the feeling. I started a story, which I might talk about later in my writing Blog, I also started a poem for Connor that I'll eventually post. But for now, I think I'm going to relax the rest of the night and continue watching the rest of last seasons Doctor Who. Mmmm the Doctor [pronounced Doctah].