Approaching...

As the days pass, the time to take my placement tests approach. I'm gradually growing more and more nervous about the math portion. I don't necessarily have the time to study for the next few days because of work. I'm thinking of cleaning off my makeshift desk so that I can use it for studying and taking my pretests. I need to be able to sit at a surface, but with it being so obscenely hot downstairs I can't use the kitchen table. Which makes me even more worried about the fact that if we are still living here, I won't have a quiet place to study or do my homework. I could work in my room on my makeshift desk, but Jeff would follow me upstairs and he can't seem to be in the room without the t.v. on. And seeing as how I find having music on relaxing as I study, that wouldn't quite work out now would it?

I'm nervous about going to classes, being in a room with a bunch of people I don't know. I know I've talked about my social awkwardness before, but I've never really gone into great detail. Well here it goes. I suffer from anxiety and depression. Depression from not having the ability to cope with the death that I was presented with at an early age. I didn't have anyone to talk to about it, to confide in, to help me understand. It grew gradually worse as my friends started dropping like flies.

I've always been really shy, but I suppose it wasn't until I moved back to NY that I started suffering from the anxiety. My heart would start racing, I'd get shakey, and start hyperventilating. It's grown increasingly hard to overcome now that I'm married. But as long as I have someone with me the first few days I'm okay. That doesn't work so well with a new job, a new job it takes longer to gain my bearings, but at school it'll be even harder. My mind will be wandering endlessly about whether the person behind me is looking over my shoulder and watching me doodle, or looking at the back of my neck. Things that shouldn't be such a big deal right? Well, for most people I suppose it's not.

I imagine that until I get my own car, I'll be hanging out in the library in between classes, which is actually good because then I can have a little bit of me time to study and do homework before I'm back home in the hectic environment. I'm rather looking forward to going to school. I'll not only be able to meet new people.. but I'll be able to be smart again. I've really felt my intelligence drop. Well that's enough for tonight I suppose.

Oh! Update on my 'Little Monkey Man'! He's doing really great. He weighs in at 2lbs 9oz! He's off of his anti-biotics. Each day they are droping his SATS so maybe soon he'll be off the ventilator for good! He's upgraded to the big boy diapers, and making his own poopies! So yay for Colby!!!