Hard To Explain...

It's hard to explain or even express my regret at not getting to know my sister-in-law better. It was easier to talk to her when she was in Australia and I wasn't married to her brother yet. I wasn't sitting next to her, wondering what I should say or how I should say it, and after all the thinking, the conversation had moved on. So after my baby nephew passed, my first nephew ever, I found her blog. A secret blog she had been hiding for the past few years. I let her know that I'd found it, and after a message she had sent sent me to tears, I had permission to read it. That's what I do, every night after work and before bed, I read. I catch up on how my other nephew is doing. How he's fighting along, the cute things he does, and the wonderful faces he has. In my own way, I suppose I feel closer to her. I find it a lot easier to talk to her now, to have small conversations with her, and that's a huge step for me. 

As I sit here reading her blog tonight, I realize that she and I have a lot in common. The jealousy I feel towards all the women I see pregnant. Not just women, but young ones, girls that got pregnant while they were still in high school. I think, "If I hadn't been such a good girl I would have been a mother by now." Maybe that's teh wrong way to see it, but that's exactly how it is. All these young girls with babies and here I am 25, married, with 0 children and at least 3 miscarriages under my belt. She's felt that pain and so have I, which helps me understand her just a bit better. She might not know everything about me, but it helps me to know that she and I have a lot of experiences in common, not just likes and dislikes. Now, I've never lost a child, and can't begin to understand how that must've made her feel. How it still makes her feel, every day when she sits by Colby's bed knowing she should be watching over two children and not just one. I can't even find the words to explain the loss that she feels, and how she's facing it alone. Most days, I want to just hug her and let her know she's not alone. Even that is a little outside of our boundaries. 

I''m not sure where I was going with this little rant of mine. It was just a feeling. I was reading her blog and it made me sad remembering the funeral and knowing all of the pain she had gone through. I wanted to just release a little bit of that for a short period, knowing that it might not last through the night.