Up and Downs...

I've had a lot of ups and downs lately. My emotions have been everywhere I'm either high or low, can't seem to find a common middle ground. My husband has absolutely great, taking each day as it comes, hoping that I won't freak out too badly one day. Which makes me all the more happy that I have him. I realized today that I haven't been very happy in a long time. I don't mean just having a good day, but being really happy. It hasn't happened in ages and I'm not sure what to do about it.

For now I spend my days happily trolling around my RP website, meeting new people, hopefully making some good online friends. I don't do well enough during the day to meet people in RL. I have too many panic attacks, I suppose that's my problem all around. I'm just too scared to do anything I'm unfamiliar with; way too scared.

I'm Stuck...

If you haven't found out by now, then I have no idea where you've been, but I want to be a writer. It's what I've wanted to do for many years now, but since my friends started dropping like flies, I haven't been able to get past this writer's block. I'll start something, get a few pages in, and then decide I suck horribly and never pick it up again. The worst part of it is, every time I decide to write, I buy a new note book. So, I have a dresser drawer (my makeshift desk) full of notebooks that only have a couple of pages filled out, if that.

I found that Role Playing on a website helps me creatively. I start a specific story with a group of people and it's like I never stopped writing. But, if I try to produce something of my own, it just fails all over the place. An epic fail. It frustrates me to no end. GaiaOnline, one of my Role Playing websites, has a section for collaborative works. I can search out people who might possibly want to help me in this process, but the only problem is: Where do I start?

It's as if once I solved one of the blocks, instantly a titanium wall is thrown up and now I have to figure out a way around that particular obstacle. It really isn't fair. Once people realize their dreams, it should be easy to fulfill them. Or at least try to fulfill them. But here I am, stuck like a kid who is super-glued in the middle of the high way during rush hour traffic. If only I could figure out how to untie those shoes and make a mad dash for the guard rail, out of harms way.

Well Frell....

I am not in the greatest mood today. I was earlier, being content and talking to friends, reading over old texts from the weekend I'd received from Adam.  You know, general things that make someone happy. Then it came time for my History class and I the dreaded news on how well I did on my test before spring break. I got a D. Yeah, not my finest moment. I can honestly say, it's not entirely my fault. My teacher really does suck at his job. Okay maybe not fully suck, he's just not teaching us as well as he could. His main problem is he's not just giving us the information, he's giving us all this other information that is of no use. My notebook for class is filled more with doodles than actual notes. It's not like I'm not paying attention, either. It's that I can't filter through his rambling. And most of all, I'm not learning anything. I'm not retaining any of the little information he does give us. Which is even worse. Three more tests and my grade gets averaged.

I have to at least get a C or better to pass the class, if not I'll be back in it next semester. The only good thing about that, is maybe I can get Mrs. Benya-Soderbom again. She was an awesome teacher and actually I ended up learning a lot. I can even remember things about Napoleon and the De Medici family. Ask me anything about what I'm learning in History now, I couldn't tell you except the first 5 books int he bible are called the Torah.

FML.

People Suck...

You know I have no idea if its me or what, but 90% of the people I consider my friends are complete assholes. I'm going to go ahead an name names, considering that they can't take the time to read my blog. (Thanks Linds for reading :D!)

Okay, so Joh likes to play around with my feelings and then when I'm happy drinking with friends, we are talking and I tell her I'm jumping on the trampoline drunk, she seems to think its okay to blow me off and ignore my texts. She did this last night as well and I wasn't even on the trampoline. I was playing Wii with friends. I'm almost 26 years old, I know how to take care of myself and know my limit. Don't blow me off because your parents are jerks when they are drunks, not everyone is like that. It's not like I drink that often anyways, usually only on my birthday; New Years Eve; or 4th of July. This happened to be a rare occasion. The first time in months I've hung out with people and actually enjoyed myself.

Then there is Adam. Adam is like my  best friend, I can fucking tell this kid anything and he'll talk me through it. He's honest and doesn't beat around the bush. And when my mom got Cancer, I told him first and he helped. But I can never fucking get this asshole to hang out with me. 4 years we been friends, we've hung out 2wice. So, I'm out tonight and I'm drunk, and in a moment of drunken clarity, I decide to yell at him and tell him how much he sucks as a friend because he can't make the time. There's always something more important to do, like playing with himself, then hang out with me. I'm tired of trying when no one else wants to make the effort.

Then there's Kyle. But, I haven't decide if I want to talk about him  yet. He's been acting like a douchebag for the past week. But we'll see how things are when he returns from Brazil.

Why is it everytime your dude friends get a girlfriend/wife, it's like "Nope, sorry, we can't be friends anymore because you're a girl." I mean wtf is up with that?! I know my husband doesn't mind if I have dude friends. He encourages me to have friends. Are girls just that insecure about their relationship? Because I know I ain't that sexy that they'd have to worry about me stealing their boyfriends/husbands. Hell, I'm married, WTF am I to do with a boyfriend AND a husband? Not a whole damn lot.

Updates....

So, it's been a long time since I actually posted updates. I suppose I should start with my apartment. Things are still going great, no real complains about the apartment itself, but the landlord and the other tenants are another story. The first few months here we were lucky enough not to have anyone living above us. It was nice, all we had to worry about was being quiet enough not to bother our neighbors downstairs. However, that changed in January when they moved in. Turns out, they are a young couple who like to throw parties at least four times a week and like to vacuum promptly after each part at 2 in the morning. If that doesn't cue us that they are home then the stomping up the stairs does. It almost sounds as if a pack of wild Clydesdale Horses are walking up the stairs. Not to mention they enjoy keeping the window in the hallway open during the middle of winter. Or when they smoke int he hallway instead of walking the ten extra feet down the stairs outside. Oh, and so many more things are wrong, but I think I'll just end it there.

In happier news, I have updates of my gorgeous nephew. He's doing absolutely wonderful. The last I heard he was up to 16 pounds and is starting to get his first tooth. My sister-in-law Stacey said she found his first little tooth poking through. Good news is that it's not really bothering him... yet. Right now he's just sticking whatever he can in his mouth, including my fingers as well as his own, and insane amounts of drool.

In this pictures he's working on the crawling thing, but  mostly he's just pushing himself along in a sliding motion. But he's working on it.

He's playing in his exersaucer, really enjoying the sounds and reaching out for things. And not to mention sticking a few of the items in his mouth.

In other news, my brother and his wife are finally having their first child after almost 11 years of marriage. I am extremely excited about that one. They found out the gender a few days ago, a baby girl is on the way and her name will be Hayden Elaine Graves. Elaine after my grandmother and it happens to be my mother's middle name. We are taking a trip to Wyoming at the end of June for the birth. I've already bought her cute clothes, and things to romp around in. I wanna make her a blanket. You know, something I can add on to every year, but my brother said that a bunch of the older ladies he works with are going to be making blankets for her. So, who knows what I'll do about that. I think of something. 

I ended my last semester with an A in Psychology, a B+ in History, and a B in English. But then again, my English teacher was lazy and taught us nothing, it even took her a few months to grade our works. I'm fairly certain she left a few things ungraded. I'm in my second semester of college and it appears to be going somewhat okay. My history professor is nice enough but he tends to ramble and I'm not really learning much of anything. We just had our first exam on Tuesday and I'm hoping I did okay. I wish we had some sort of homework to counter anything I might get on a test, but sadly we don't. Three exams for this class and that's what our entire grade is based on. I hope I"ll do okay, but again, we shall see. English is going good. I'm actually learning a lot in that class and slowly writing better. I'll get there eventually. Our first test was yesterday that I think I did okay on. Plus, we had our first journal check of the semester and I got a 100% on it. Which makes me happy. I got an A on one of my papers and a B+ on the one before that.

I think that's all for now. I'll try to post more often and stay more updated. Maybe next time I'll have pictures of the apartment after being painted. I am so tired of having staring at white walls.

Our Apartment

So, Jeff and I both agree that our new apartment is absolutely small. The kitchen is a galley and the bathroom is a closet. However, after going to look at it in a new light, with fresh eyes and in the day time, we agreed that it's just big enough for the both of us and our two lovely dogs. Let me tell you, there aren't many places in this area who will let you have two dogs. I was a little sad to hear that I couldn't paint right away, but I understand his reasons. He just painted and wants to make sure we are going to be long term tenants. I think I can handle a few months with white walls. I'll just cover it up with mirrors and pictures of us as a family.

This is the first time since Jeff and I got married that we can actually be a family. It'll be our place and I won't have to continue going through our marriage miserable because of his family's inability to actually talk to me. Well, to that I can say, oh well their loss. I am an awesome person. Tomorrow I'll post pictures of the apartment. For now, however, I am going to bed because I am absolutely exhausted.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Lonely....

I wish I could convey how much I miss certain people when they aren't around anymore. It's almost as a part of me is missing; an emptiness that can't be filled by anything, but that person. I wish more than anything, that I could be with you right now; in your presence, talking with you, even if it's about nothing at all. So, when you're not with me, I am not whole inside; I am but half a girl, wanting nothing more than to be whole. I suppose everyone feels like that sometimes.
I want nothing more than to have friends around here. Just when I think I've made some, it turns out they didn't want to be friends past knowing each other at work. I really hope I'll be able to make more friends during school. I'm slowly getting to know a few people in my Psych and English. Maybe, something will come of that. Maybe I should just break down and beg Jeff to move back to N.Y. Maybe, I could even get my job back at Wal-Mart.